whether to divorce and then working through the emotional issues
of a divorce takes time, energy, and coping skills. Some of
the forums for people of Indian Origin include:
- Bay Area Desi Single Parents + Kids (iBASP) Parenting is difficult as is these days. Single Parenting even more difficult. They say - it takes a village to raise a child...Lets make this the village for the divorced children!
are not alone, we are there is a mailing list for
divorced women of Indian origin. This forum is active, and
individuals take time to advice others.
A new Family Circle:
Wings is a support group for “single again” Indians
in the Bay Area started by Shamyo Chatterjee. His divorce
in 1998, he feels, was probably due to the stress faced
by any working couple. As this father of two grappled with
severe depression after his divorce, he realized that even
therapy was not helpful, as the therapist did not understand
his cultural baggage.
of more people in the same situation, he advertised in the
Bay Area Indian and San Jose Mercury News. This was the
beginning of the support group, Wings, which started with
15 to 20 members, but has since grown to around 250.
with people who came from the same background and had gone
through a similar experience was the only thing that helped
me,” says Chatterjee. “Unless you have been through something
as traumatic as a divorce, it is difficult to relate. Being
with friends is better than therapy.”
that upon hearing of a divorce, people in the South Asian
community are not sure how to react. Then there is a slow,
but sure diminishing of the friends circle for most Indian
divorcées. Through Wings, they can interact with
people from the same background, who are in the same situation.
The group helps the members move forward and manage the
loneliness that most feel.
feel any loneliness since I joined Wings,” says Jennifer.
“There is a great deal of camaraderie. Mentally this group
helps; members can get a lot of advice, on divorce and lawyers,
and many other things too. I don’t feel cut off from society
my current friends are people I met through Wings,” says
Chatterjee. He adds that the group plans activities such
as camping and hiking with the assumption that children
will be included. This helps single parents enormously as
they can now take their kids to a place where they are not
the only ones in a difficult situation.
group tries to meet at least once a month, and smaller informal
groups of more intimate friends within Wings meet more often.
The activities too are very loose and unstructured.
sangeet nights, garba, or Bollywood evenings, and also celebrate
Divali; whatever there is to be celebrated we celebrate,”
says Chatterjee. There is just one requirement for joining:
“We don’t accept people unless they have at least filed
for divorce,” says Maya. Wings
is a nonprofit. Membership $20 a year. www.iwings.org
can support groups help? Example [from "You are not
alone, we are there" forum]
case my ex husband physically abused me ..I had medical record
..and still the court gave my Ex- 50:50
custody and then I relocated and the 50:50 custody went away.
my case was huge !
for a fact fighting custody battle with a physically and mentally
cruel man like my ex..has taken a lot out of me. however to
subject your children to his abuse is also alost cause.. you
can not raise children in WAR ZONE.
To fear your ex- is also giving into his power.. when children
are small the custodial parent is always the mother..once
its fixed it is hard to change. you fight now ..to change
later is going to be an uphill task and an emotinoal roller
coaster. Try not to get custody evaluation done asthese psychologist
can be brought under the table andare unethical..the truth
no one cares about the children truly except the mother.
The court wants to appear impartial andhence you have these
strange custodial arrangement.
of the state in which the divorce will be filed, I hear from
many sources that once children are involved, the court is
not going to care about the causes for the divorce - unless
of course he is physically abusive and you have proof for
it - doctor's prescriptions, pictures, dates, evidences, etc.
You are right in that we cannot prove controlling behaviors
that manifest on a daily basis. That said, when little children
are involved, the court almost always side the mother, especially
in your case of very young children. BUT, to make your case
for sole custody stronger, you
do need to stabilize your career. Because you need to prove
that you can provide your children with their current standard
of living that they are used to. The mantra that the court
goes by is "best interest of the children".
In my case, I finished my MBA, got myself a decent job and
am going for it. But even though I have an MBA, he has a Ph.D
and makes more than 2 times what I make, I am somewhat at
a disadvantage. I still hope that my education and job situation
will be helpful in gaining sole custody.
Think seriously about your career options. How many more months
before the baby comes out? Can you do something part time?
How do you plan to support yourself and your kids after the